


In Which Karkat Dreams He's Troll Clarice Starling (And Other Tiny Tumblr prompt fics)

by rainbowBarnacle



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Gen, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Snippets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-17 07:31:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14184000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowBarnacle/pseuds/rainbowBarnacle
Summary: A collection of tiny stories brought about via tumblr prompts and such.





	1. In Which Karkat Dreams He's Troll Clarice Starling

“Where’d you put it.”

You went to bed with your head buzzing with that particular sort of brain hangover that comes from having spent seventy-two solid hours globes deep in code. You are finished now, the deadline is met, and now Karkat’s voice is dragging you out of your dreamless sleep.

You become aware that your mouth is open and your tongue is dry and disgusting. You swallow and smack your lips. He pokes your upper arm. It’s a slow poke, designed to hurt. Anemic as you are, you wouldn’t be surprised to find a small yellow bruise there later. You roll away from him and hunch your shoulders.

“I gotta find it. Tell me.”

Something is very not right about this. Your eyes snap open and you turn to stare at him over your shoulder. Karkat stands there, his weight mostly on one foot, one hand resting on your cupe. His eyes are bloodshot and distant, looking right through you.

“KK.”

“Yes.”

“KK.”

“I _said_ yes.”

“ _What the hell are you doing in my hive_.”

You stare, horrified, as Karkat veers away and shambles across your block, his feet catching and dragging in tangles of wires. There is something intensely unsettling about how he moves, as if something else was driving him.

“Are you _asleep_?”

“No.”

You let your head thud against the lip of the cupe. “Oh my fucking god.” You don’t know what’s more baffling to you: that Karkat picks today to interrupt your shitty and sporadic sleep schedule or that he was able to slur your hive’s voice activated password clearly enough that the security system picked it up and allowed him access.

Karkat spreads his hands reasonably and addresses your desk lamp. “'Cause I got fuckin pails and pails in my closet, it’s no secret. They can kiss my splendid ass if they don’t like it. Now tell. me. where. it. _is_.”

“Where _what_ is?”

“I’ll make it easy, I promise.”

He bumps into your desk. His hands find the knobs on your drawers and the rest of him follows, crouching unsteadily as he pulls it open and begins rummaging.

You start to climb out. “KK, unless you’re interested in discovering my shame sticks I suggest you–”

“There is a god, and it is _testing me_. Stay PUT.”

“Okay, okay, holy shit,” Sighing heavily, you sink back down in the slime and let your arms dangle over the edge. “What do you _want_?”

“This is your final warning, rumble-fuck. Just give me the file and we can all go home.”

You rake your nails up the side of the cupe hard enough to leave marks. There is an unhinged laugh building in your chest. You are too exhausted for this. You want to scream. You want to throw shit at his head with your brain until he shuts up because you need to _sleep_ and this pint-sized moronic fuck-for-brains won’t quit rooting through your stuff and _babbling_ –

Inspiration strikes. There is an old magazine abandoned between your recupracoon and the wall. Reaching back, you pluck it out and unroll it. “Hey, look, here’s your fucking file, bulgereek. Now get _out_ –”

You stop yourself as you realize the consequences of sending a sleepwalking mutantblood to wander the halls of your hive complex with a wrinkled copy of “BLACK DIAMONDS: ‘RAILS UNVEILED.” clutched to his chest like it’s a comfort plush. Only a few of them are funny.

Karkat crosses the room and takes it from you. You grab his wrist. “C'mon, get in here.”

He climbs up without protest and you help him in. He grumbles unintelligible things as you pull him close, his eyes almost closed but not quite. He leans into you, a low purr stuttering to life in his chest.

You grab your palmhusk, adjust your arm around his shoulders so your that painted nails are visible, and snap a picture. The camera will automatically upload the photo to all of your social media accounts, so in a few hours all your friends will check their dashboards and discover little KK nestled up against your side and scowling, both hands clutching a porn mag that’s half immersed in red slime, the corner of it almost in his mouth. You include the caption: “My upstaiir2 neiighbor want2 you all two know he ha2 'paiil2 and paiil2 iin hii2 clo2et, iit'2 no 2ecret’.”

Before you’ve even turned off the screen, you see: “gallowsCalibrator reblogged this post!” and “ #WHY DO3S MR 4PPL3B3RRY BL4ST G3T TO H34R TH3 JU1CY STUFF #TH1S 1S MUCH MOR3 1NT3R3ST1NG TH4N TH3 T1M3 YOU K3PT M3 4W4K3 FOR S3V3R4L HOURS B4BBL1NG 4BOUT S34 OR4NG3S 4ND CR4B K1NGS #K4RK4T 1 THOUGHT W3 W3R3 FR13NDS #>:[”

Snickering, you hook your palmhusk back to its charger. Karkat presses his face into your neck, the forgotten magazine crumpling between you. You make an irritable sound and toss it out.

“Sollux,” His voice sounds slightly more lucid. “Sollux?”

You assume he’s just awake enough to know who you are, but not enough to wonder why he’s in your cupe.

“What.“

His teeth graze your shoulder in a slow bite. His lips follow, pressing softly. “I hate you so much.”

You smile sweetly and press your face into his hair. “Not as much as you’ll hate me later, dipshit.”


	2. Hold Your Breath, Make a Wish, Count to Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An AU where John decides to take Jade’s offer to travel to the new session with Rose and Dave and the others instead of staying on the battleship. Instead of the canon note, he sends one over to announce his arrival and also give messages from Jade and Davesprite.

It's movie night and you are so excited you could _burst._

Karkat's left brow twitches as he takes in the scene you’ve put together for him: Christmas lights make rainbow pinpricks along the ceiling, which are just bright enough to illuminate the movie projector and the vase of poppies (Kanaya told you poppies were his favorite) arranged on the table.

He is not looking at the projector or the poppies. He is looking at the bucket. You stifle a delighted squeak.

For the past week you have been on a mission to find out every treat Karkat might like. You went through Karkat’s trash bin for candy wrappers. You quizzed Kanaya and Terezi and even creepy Gamzee and learned about all sorts of Alternian delicacies. With their help, you alchemized caramelized ripper wasps, pupa gummies, empress crackers, double dipped chocolate grubs, and tons more. For added fun, you threw in M&Ms, chex mix, a bag of kettle corn, beef jerky, and a box of muddy buddies. By the time you were done, the bucket was close to overflowing with delectables.

You topped everything off by slipping a note under Karkat’s door—meet me in Warehouse A at 7:00PM, dress formal!!!—and now he’s here, and _he’s in a pinstriped suit_ , and you can barely contain your glee. You are the master of romance, it’s you.

“Happy bucket day, Karkat!”

“You KEPT it?”

“Of _course_ I kept it!”

“Why the HELL would you keep a memento of one of the most humiliating moments of my life?!” He gives you a stricken look as he stalks past you. Your smile freezes in place as it dawns on you with horrible slowness that _you just fucked everything up big time._ “If this is your idea of a joke—”

“Aw. _Karkat._ Karkat, I’m sorry.” You put your hands on his tense shoulders and speak into the back of his neck. “I didn’t do this to embarrass you, I swear. It’s not a prank. I just wanted to surprise you! And, you know, celebrate the day I arrived and we met and everything.”

There is a terrible moment where he’s still and tense and for a second you’re convinced he’s never going to believe you. Then his shoulders slowly, slowly relax and he lets out a long sigh. You risk a look over his shoulder and find he’s cradling a poppy bloom in his fingers with infinite gentleness.

“It’s fine. Just… wait, what did you put in here.” You can hear wrappers rustling as he pokes around. “Are those… _oh my fucking god are those ripperwasps_.”

You smile and lower your arms to wrap around his waist. “Mhm.”

He is trembling, you realize, and you can feel his breath hitching with soundless giggles. “Egbert. John. Holy shit. This is _amazing_. Where did you get all this, how did you know?”

You give him a lingering squeeze and nuzzle his shoulder. “Magician’s secret.”

He turns around in your arms to stare at you incredulously, and you can’t help it, you give his smiling lips a peck, and then another, and another, and once you start you can’t seem to stop. Karkat is just like Pringles.

He makes a pleased sound in the back of his throat and returns them, murmuring between kisses: “C'mon. Tell me.”

“ _Seeecret_.”

“Stop waggling your eyebrows at me or I’ll kiss them off your forehead.”

“Okay, okay, I got some help with the alchemizer. I wanted to make a box of chocolates, but sometimes food comes out weird no matter how careful I am and I didn’t want to chance that with a bunch of mystery candy that looks the same.”

His face does this hilarious little grimace and you snicker and hug him tight. “I was thinking maybe we could pop in a DVD or something. I made a projector, so it’s like we have our own movie theater.”

“I’ll consider it as long as Nic Cage stays the fuck out of our anniversary date.”

“Aww. I still say you would like _Ghost Rider_ if you gave it a chance.”

“And _I_ still say I’d rather chew off my left frond than object myself to your human explosion porn,” He smiles sweetly. “But yeah, I have a movie we could watch. Been saving it, actually.”

He shows you the case. Wherein A Whimsical Greenblooded Legislacerator Embarks On A Quest To Inflict Justice Upon Her Idiosyncratic Neighbors And Ends Up Finding A Concupiscent Brownblooded Partner, But Not Before Testing His Resolve And Romantic Intentions Through A Series of Riddles. Warnings For Caliginous Flirting, Several Instances Of Flushed Pailing, One Implied Ashen Relationship, One Garden Gnome, and _blah blah blah blah_ , so it’s a romance. You look up at him and he has that look on his face, that dizzying mix of smoldering and sneaky that means you’re either about to hear an hour long lecture on quadrants or you’re about to get your socks romanced off.

“Okay, looks good!” You smooch his nose and his expression goes all funny as his face scrunches up.

While he fiddles with the projector, you take the couch out of your modus and flop down on it. You decided keeping one handy was the best idea after you and Karkat spent an evening making out under the pretense of watching the stars. Since then, the two of you and the couch have occupied several secluded corners of the asteroid, with incredibly sexy results.

Soon he flops down next to you and you curl up close and keep the bucket in your lap while he sets up the subtitles for you. Throughout the opening credits, he tears through candy wrappers and munches various treats with an enthusiasm that warms your heart. You politely refuse his offer of a ripperwasp and stick to nibbling kettle corn. Ten minutes into the movie, your eyes are already glazed over, but you find you don’t mind so much. Troll Audrey Tautou is really pretty, even with spiraling ram horns, and at some point Karkat slows down in his confectionery slaughter enough for you to squirm closer and pet his horns—they’re just so bright and smooth and touchable, you can’t help it—and it’s not long before he’s sighing and rumbling deep in his chest, one hand still drifting lazily in the bucket.

You _live_ for that sound. It’s only when he speaks up again and that purr halts that you realize you’ve lost a good portion of the movie. For a moment you’re nervous he might ask you some question about the plot you’re pretty sure you won’t be able to bullshit your way out of, but instead he pulls out a small green bag full of individually wrapped hard candy.

“…You made pink moon candies. Who suggested those.” You draw back to look at him. He looks like he’s not sure whether to be amused or roll his eyes at you. Oh no. Oh god. What did you do. You are reminded of the time you confessed to Dave that when you were thirteen you used to think that women actually hid the clitoris and that’s why nobody could ever find it. Dave gave you that exact same look. You fidget.

“Yeah! Terezi. Why are they called pink moon candies?”

“They’re something you eat on Smashpusher Eve.” He picks one up between finger and thumb and huffs. “Cherry. Why am I not surprised?”

“What do they do?”

He pops one in your mouth and you discover the wrapper is sugary sweet and melts almost instantly. Before you have time to react to this, his lips are on yours. One hand cups the back of your head and his tongue thrusts against yours in a way that has you dizzy—and then whatever he put in your mouth kicks in and everything goes cherry flavored, not just on your tongue but in your sinuses and down your lungs, like a very strong cough drop. It’s not a harsh sort of cherry flavor, not like medicine or earth hard candies; it reminds you more of the cherry stuff your Nanna would use when she made jelly donuts, indulgent and rich with just the right amount of tartness.

When he draws back, something about how he smirks as he crunches your candy between his back teeth makes your face sting.

“That.”

“… _Oh._ ”

“Yeah, ‘oh’.”

“Um. Did you want to do that again?”

“We’re never going to get through this movie, are we?”

You smile and nuzzle his neck. “There’s always next time, right?”

“Yes and you better believe I won’t forget next time.” His eyes narrow menacingly in a way that’s mostly for show before his lips brush yours. “Pity you, sweet idiot.”

“Pity you too.“


	3. 3 Sentence Fics and Chatlogs

**Jade/Karkat urban fantasy AU**

Karkat watched, repulsed and fascinated, as Jade rolled her eyes and quieted the squalling mandrake by tucking it in the crook of her arm and popping her thumb into its maw. She grimaced as it bit down and sucked at the little wound contentedly.

“Ugh, _there_ , enjoy your dinner you creepy little thing.”

****

*** * ***

**John/Karkat, urban fantasy AU**

“Hey Karkat, I have obtained a certain vegetable that might be useful for bribing that ugly kappa into not drowning any more college freshmen! Heheh, y'know, the only difference between being hungry and being horny is how you use the–”

“ _SHUT. UP._ ”

****

*** * ***

**Dave/Terezi, urban fantasy AU**

“Okay my maniac pixie dream girl, let’s recap, I’ll count’em off my fingers: I weeded your horrifying living snapdragon garden, polished your marble collection, rubbed your feet, powdered your wings, painted your toenails, went on your weird stag hunt with you and all your weird friends so they could laugh their giddy little asses off at me for losing at your stone throwing ritual thing with my weak little city boy noodle arms–and look at me, look at my face, Pyrope, I’m not even mad.

"I was your pretty twinkboy human arm candy for your summer festivus party or whatever the hell that even was, and I even let you dress me in nothing but a leaf skirt and little bells on my toes, did you hear me complain once, no, no I did not even though I saw more naked hairy satyr ass than I ever want to see again, fuck you very much–oh, and I nearly died falling out of trees while picking you a whole entire basket of peppervine berries and taking great pains to make sure they were only, and I quote, “TH3 FUCK1NG R3D ON3S”–so for the love of Richard Simmons’s sainted sparkly sweatbands, can you forgive me now for accidentally potato gunning your tree house?”

“NOW WH4T,” said the fairy. “G4V3 YOU TH4T ID34?”

****

*** * ***

**Nepeta/Sollux, cyberpunk AU**

“ _Saa-aay it_.”

“Oh god, fine, and also fuck you: *the whiny lispy pathetic piece of nerdshit impurrlores that the devastatingly attractive goddess of the hunt take the fucking prison collar off him before it decides to fry his brain.*”

“Heehee, okay my dear precious Catpurrrr, but this is going to hurt.”

****

*** * ***

**Gamzee/Terezi, sopor fuckery**

It’s the first time you’ve ever seen your girl on sopor–she’s nestled with her bony shoulder poking your chest, purring all obnoxious as she leaves lingering little hate bites all up and down your throat stem while you walk your fingers down the pretty curve of her spine and wait for her to tell you the secret you’ve been trying to get out of her all day. You poke her ribs impatiently and she squirms and makes that rapidfire cackle that always has you seeing orange.

She presses against you, all mock coyness, and curls a hand around the base of your left horn for balance as she lifts her chin to whisper into your ear, her voice trembling in suppressed glee: “I K1SS3D T4VROS B3FOR3 YOU D1D.”

****

*** * ***

**Kurloz/Meulin, catnip**

“3H3H3H3H3H3 _KUUUURLOOOOOOOOZ_ \--” Kurloz sits curled up on a beanbag chair, grinning broadly as he watches his matesprit literally bounce off the walls. He is playing with a bit of rainbow string, tugging it into different shapes, making ladders and stars and diamonds, his long fingers moving independently of the rest of him as if on a mission of their own.

“Can somebody up and tell me how the FUCK somebody that cute is all turning into such a sweet motherfuckin disaster after somebody gives her some fuckin' nip, messiahs on a fuckin' rocker.”

****

*** * ***

**Karkat/Dave, sick day**

— turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] —

TG: okay so its been like two days and you havent come out of your room except to go retch miserably in the bathroom

TG: are you okay

TG: are you dead

—carcinoGeneticist [CG] changed his mood to PEPPY—

TG: okay no

TG: thats not natural

CG: NO, DAVE, IT’S FINE. I’M FINE. EVERYTHING IS FINE.

TG: thats very reassuring

TG: put on your pants im heading up there

TG: and id choose my next words carefully because depending on what they are im going to either drag your ass to the doctors or im going to be very sad while i burn down your room with you inside it and salt the earth afterward because your plaguecrud has turned you into some creepy smiling undead abomination

TG: in the papers ill be quoted as saying “yes i miss my friend karkat vantas a lot it breaks my heart that i had to do it”

CG: OKAY HOLD IT RIGHT FUCKING THERE YOU RANK SHITSPONGE. 

TG: oh thank god

TG: you had me worried for a second 

—carcinoGeneticist [CG] changed his mood to RANCOROUS—

CG: ONE: FUCK YOU FOR ME CLICKING THE WRONG MOOD BUTTON.

CG: TWO: ATTEMPT TO ENTER MY PRIVATE BLOCK AND I SWEAR BY ALL YOU HOLD DEAR I WILL RIP OUT YOUR SPINE AND FLOSS MY ASS WITH IT.

CG: I SAID I’M FINE. NO DOCTORS.

TG: okay dude i didnt want to bring this up but you were in the bathroom earlier making these pathetic little whimpering sounds 

TG: realtalk now: there is something wrong with you and you need to get it checked out

CG: DAVE. LISTEN TO WHAT I’M ABOUT TO SAY VERY CAREFULLY.

CG: YOUR CONCERN IS TOUCHING, ALBEIT MORONIC, BUT MY SUPERIOR TROLL IMMUNE SYSTEM WILL HANDLE THIS PERFECTLY FINE ON ITS OWN. 

TG: cmon itll be just like neps hurt/comfort fics

TG: ill be the draco malfoy to your harry potter

TG: (have you read that one its actually pretty good)

TG: dont worry man ill wrap you up in my manly wizard arms and caress your fevered brow and the awesome power of my sheer platonic brolove will make you well again

CG: OH GOD, ***PLEASE*** JUST FUCK OFF. 

TG: nah bro

TG: see you should be excited

TG: were going to have a hospital adventure

TG: youll wake up in a cushy white room wearing one of those gowns that shows your ass to the world

TG: and im gonna say you were abducted by aliens

TG: itll be hilarious

TG: its better than the alternative i mean whats worse than having a death adventure

TG: itll be boring as fuck i mean who wants to lounge around on a cloud wearing white robes and screaming at newlydeads all day while polishing your bulge

TG: not me

TG: besides if you die aradias gonna throw a corpse party for you

TG: youll never be able to live it down man

TG: everybody staring at your grumpy body with its little pointy hat

TG: john will probably hook up the karaoke machine and sing “careless whisper” while bawling his sexy head off

TG: now knowing all that wouldnt it be better to just go to the fucking hospital already

CG: OKAY.

CG: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST STOP *TYPING* AT ME.

CG: I’LL BE DOWN IN FIVE.

TG: atta boy <>

CG: <>

 

****

*** * ***

**Equius/Nepeta, Valentine's Day**

CT: D—> l00k, are you certain this alien isn’t foaling around with you

AC: :33 < nooo i swear it’s true!! humans only have one type of romance and they have a special day for it!

AC: :33 < he told me all the traditions! look!

AC: :33 <

> TG: yeah so on earth if you dont get valentines at school your ass is dust, they cull you on the spot
> 
> TG: you gotta get the right kind though or nobodys gonna date you, like, forget ones shaped like hearts and cherubs get fucking justin bieber valentines 
> 
> TG: his earnest preteen stare and seven inch greasy pompadour is tragically beautiful you will score every time
> 
> TG: also you gotta get your date stuffed animals it is the law
> 
> TG: the size of your stuffed animal represents your fertility so the bigger the better
> 
> TG: once i got this girl a purple gorilla the size of a buick and she fucking proposed to me on the spot
> 
> TG: by the way those little heart candies i showed you are for asking people to marry you so you better have a good reply ready if the feeling aint mutual or youll end up stuck with them basically forever
> 
> TG: i prefer the ones that say “god says no”

CT: D—> He is pulling your frond, Nepeta

CT: D—> I must insist that you cease speaking with him, he sounds like a weirdo

AC: :33 < noooo 

CT: D—> Yes

AC: :33 < no no no no!

CT: D—> Yes

AC: :33 < but he mentioned another thing i think you’ll really like! 

CT: D—> I doubt this

AC: :33 < stop being so hissy! they have these beings called cherubs

CT: D—> Why would I begin to care about a cherub

AC: :33 < beclaws, you POOP, they shoot ARROWS

CT: D—> … hrm

AC: :33 < * ac waves her tail back and furrth smugly*

CT: D—> … Perhaps this warrants further study

AC: :33 < h33h33h33 purrhaps :33


End file.
